If there is no sickness...Then where is the happiness?

The songs of Lana del Rey reminded me about what I want and who I am, apparently just a little girl who needs sickness in her life and cannot dream about something else.
I always taught about me as this sweet little girl who wants to be happy and that's it, but as listening to the lyrics I realized that I don't want to be happy just like that, I want the story, I want the wrong person whom eventually will be the right person...

I want the sickness and the crazy love and crazy life...I want that and nothing else.
I want the sick pictures and the sick fights...I just want everything fucked up.

And I couldn't help but wonder...As Carrie did so many times, why? and most of all why I can't change that... Every time when I meet a nice guy I'm just so not impressed and actually is not that I'm not impressed, it's that I kinda hate him, I don't want to see that guy never again in my life. He is not fucked up than it's a fucking freak.

I was always an unusual girl, my mother told me that I had a chameleon soul. No moral compass pointing me due north, no fixed personality. Just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide as wavering as the ocean. And if I said that I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way I’d be lying- because I was born to be the other woman. I belonged to no one- who belonged to everyone, who had nothing- who wanted everything with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about- and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzlez and dizzied me.

And in the End... I AM FUCKING CRAZY BUT I AM FREE!